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The Struggle is Real

February 18, 2020 11 Comments

As with all things on the internet, when it comes to my life, you are only seeing a carefully curated version of what I choose to share on social media and here on my website. I, of course, prioritize being raw and authentic, and what you read here is always the truth, but it is only part of a bigger story. Sharing about getting a divorce is an especially tough one to navigate because while I may be comfortable opening up about the entire experience, I have a responsibility to Taylor, and especially to Arthurbear to protect their privacy in the process. With this in mind, it is important to me that we take a little time out and get on the same page with how things REALLY are.

Fair warning, this isn’t the typical upbeat and inspiring tone you may be used to reading here. I want this to be a light and positive space on the internet, something you read that brings value to your day….. but this likely won’t be that added value.

In recent weeks and months, some of you (yeah, I’m probably talking about YOU!) have labeled me as being “positive” and “strong” amid being more open about my separation. It’s not that these are bad things at all, in fact, I’m really honoured that anyone would think this about me. If anything it is a little overwhelming, I don’t think I’ve done anything special to deserve these labels. It can though, feel a little disingenuous to accept such high praise when I’ve only shared the moments I’ve felt positive and like I’ve got it, at least a little bit, together. Online and in-person I’ve made calculated choices to show only my best, and hide the darkness that comes with struggle. But please don’t ever confuse this for there not being any struggle. Life is hard at the best of times, and the challenges that divorce brings can take that to another level.

Having suffered from anxiety over the years, friends and family know, my go-to coping strategy is crawling into bed and hiding under the covers. (It probably doesn’t help that the medication for anxiety my doctor had prescribed knocks me on my ass for a solid two days) It’s become a bit of a joke, amongst friends that if I’m having a hard day, I can be found in my bed! This has been especially true since my separation. Obviously, as a mum and working a full-time job, I’m not able to spend all day in bed, but sometimes, it’s all I want to do! Getting through the week is a lot harder from bed, didn’t ya know!

Basically I’m writing this post, to show I’m not a walking ray of sunshine going through this divorce. I am battling big feelings of insecurity, after having felt so secure in all areas of my life. I am angry and resentful with just a dash of bitterness mixed in to make things fun. I’ve been hurt. I’m scared and I’m struggling. The struggle is SO real. But this isn’t the image I want you to see. I don’t want to appear weak or too vulnerable, I want everyone to see the brave, unflappable, and totally in control person, I wish to be. Most of all, I hate the idea that I might show anybody the hurt they’ve caused. I wish I could make them believe I care as little about them, as they do about me.

Where I previously had security, I now hesitate to trust anyone. People I’d called friends have figuratively and, actually, quite literally turned their backs on me. (Rude, right?!?) Others have treated me so terribly that I can’t look at them without seeing the irreparable damage they’ve done to our relationship and feeling that anger bubble up inside of me. It’s heartbreaking on a very regular basis. The hardest part of getting a divorce, so far, isn’t even the divorce, it’s the way people have treated me. And for someone who is quite sensitive, it has been a lot to take. Being sensitive also means that it’s been a life long struggle to try and hide my emotions when I almost always wear them on my sleeve. I am so exhausted from trying to pretend it’s all completely fine.

A lot of days, life feels like a never-ending gut punch. It sucks. But through it all, I am able to dig deep and pull out that strength and positivity. I know I’m able to get through it, I’ve made it through much harder circumstances. I am strong. I am brave. I am optimistic. But some days I’m not. It’s ok to not be ok.

My intention is never for this to be a negative or “down” place. I mean, who would keep coming back to that website!? But I felt like sometimes the “It’s cool, I’m fine” attitude is actually doing a disservice to anyone who may be reading this and think “why is she able to cruise through these circumstances when I’m having a hard time” Let me say it loud and clear, I am having a hard time too. It’s awkward, and uncomfortable at best, and devastating and heartbreaking at normal. Just know, not all is as it seems, and I’m having a hard time too. For those of you who aren’t currently experiencing a hard time, remember even when someone is putting on a brave face, they can be struggling on the inside.

I am going to be ok, I’m not looking for pity or sympathy, but I do want to be real with you all and today, this is my reality. I think sharing this might actually be what has taken the most courage for me yet. Thanks for reading, and for all of your support!

I love ya,

The (2nd) Best Day of My Life! The Time I Went to the Royal Wedding!

May 17, 2019 4 Comments

This weekend, while many across Canada are celebrating the Victoria Day long weekend, I’m excitedly reminiscing two of the most exciting days in my life, 6 years ago Saturday, I gave birth to a little boy we call Bear and one year ago Sunday, I attended the wedding of the Duke and Duchess of Sussex, Prince Harry and Meghan Markle! Here is my story from the latter of those memorable events!

But first, a little cuteness from the ACTUAL best day of my life, before we go on about the second best!

Bucket lists are tricky things! I’ve always been a “dream big, but keep expectations low” kinda gal so those next to impossible bucket list items can cause me some stress and disappointment. As an example, the top of my list, since childhood, is to give Queen Elizabeth a hug! Clearly, she is just not the hugging kind, and I am NOT Michelle Obama, but I would settle for a quick curtsy and a “Hello,OhMyGoshINeverThoughtI’dGetToMeetYou,YouAreSuchABadAss!” *huge inhale*

The rest of my bucket list is mostly filled with tattoo ideas and dream travel destinations (HELLO, Maldives!) but last year I had the opportunity to check something off my list that was so huge, I didn’t even believe in it enough to put it on the list in the first place! I attended a royal wedding! THE ROYAL FREAKING WEDDING! Ok, ok MAYBE I thought one day I might go to Prince Harry’s wedding…. but I think I had fantasized about the bride being ME! And, yes, I do realize there is a difference between “attending” this wedding as an invited guest, which I was not, (my invitation clearly got lost in the mail) and attending on the street with hundreds of thousands of other spectators… which is exactly what happened and. it. was. magic!!!

To set the stage for you, we arrived in London on May 18th, after 4 nights in Northern Ireland! While the Royal Wedding was the purpose of our detour to England, Taylor was not comfortable facing the crowds and opted not to join me in Windsor the next day. Although I was anxious, I still decided to go alone! When we arrived at our Airbnb (an adorable garden shed outfitted with a bathroom and kitchenette) our sweet host Karmen heard of my plans and tried to encourage me to stay home and watch the wedding on TV instead! “You’ll get a better view on the telly than standing 30 people back in the crowds!” I felt discouraged, but chirped back “It’s ok! I’m tall!” If I thought too hard about the crowds, solo traveling to Windsor and back, not knowing if I would be able to see, the very early morning, or extreme things like terrorism, my anxiety would start to rise. Several times, I could feel myself start to chicken out, but I knew I would NEVER forgive myself if I came this close and didn’t go to the wedding, 30 people back, or not!

I battled with my nerves all night, not getting a great rest but by 5:30 the next morning I was up and out the door! I had planned out my trip to Windsor on the bus, successfully transferring once, but running into problems when I was far enough out of town that my Oyster Card (the London transit system ticket card) was no longer accepted. A less than helpful bus driver declined to accept cash and left me stranded. Now around 6:30 am, I was close enough that a cab was relatively inexpensive and so I “cheated” and booked an Uber for the remaining part of the trip!

Reporting from the streets of Windsor, UK

I arrived in Windsor somewhere around 7 am local time! It was a storybook-like town, teaming with people, military personnel and police officers! I walked through multiple checkpoints, which honestly gave me a comforting sense of security! In my mind, the best plan of action was to head toward the “Long Walk” the stretch of road surrounded by an open grassy field. I figured it would be my best chance at getting as close to the front as possible and would be the least claustrophobia-inducing spot to watch the wedding processional go by. Quickly I became sucked up in the current of people walking, towards, where? I wasn’t really sure, but there was no great way to go against it, so through back alleys and roads, I followed. At some point, after what only felt like a short distance, I found myself spit out on the street, along one of the guard rails. It suddenly didn’t feel nearly as crowded, I really couldn’t believe that there was empty space in the front row! After confirming with those around me, I planted myself front and center at the railing, and decided to stay there until it was over!

I’ve highlighted where I was standing on Sheet St. in Windsor, UK

As more and more people gathered around me, we knew we were in for the long haul, and started to make friends. I was lucky enough to sit between some locals from Windsor, who provided endless information about the small city of around 30,000, and Suzanne and Claire, friends from Cheddar, the UK, who brought and shared snacks and Gin & Tonic in aluminum cans!!! (I just have a knack for making friends with the right kinda people!) We visited for hours, even getting to know the police officer who was standing watch directly in front of us! (She was engaged and planning an autumn wedding in Oxford!)

In genuine disbelief that I was so close!

About an hour before the ceremony began, parades of soldiers and military bands made their way up and down the road! After a long day of waiting around, and some of the best people watching I’ve ever experienced, there was an instant shift in the energy of the crowd. Although I didn’t have any reference at the time, estimates say there were roughly 100,000 people on the streets with me!

Soldiers on horseback riding up Sheet Street prior to the Royal Wedding

Just prior to the ceremony starting I was surprised to hear over loudspeakers, a commentary of the Bride’s arrival to St. Georges Chapel. Although my particular brand of anxiety lends itself to overthinking every detail of every potential outcome, I hadn’t even considered I’d be able to hear the ceremony! It was a delightful surprise! I still get tingles watching the videos I took during the exchanging of the vows. There is something so special to be wrapped up in the crowd’s energy and excitement!

The exchanging of vows, from my perspective on Sheet St.

After the ceremony, which included a crowd sing-along of Stand By Me, again… goosies! It was time for the big moment! We listened as the processional began at Windsor Castle! Every turn and wave was described in audio and the anticipation of everyone around me was palpable. Although there was a specific free wifi network related to the wedding, and cell service shouldn’t have been an issue, it was challenging to get connected. The occasional post or message came or went through, but when the world seemed to be getting its first glimpses of Meghan’s wedding dress, we were left in the dark. What made this even more frustrating is I could see my friend Andrea had sent me photos, but I was unable to open them! We didn’t even know what her dress looked like!!!

Back to that anxious brain I have, I had thought for hours about whether I’d be better to take photos or video as the processional went past, and finally settled on photos as I was sure the world would be seeing the amazing quality video of the whole event! Boy, do I feel like that paid off! The street was shaped in such a way that we couldn’t see more than a few feet up the road. We relied heavily on the incredibly kind police officer to warn us to have our cameras ready!

You can see how the positioning of the barricades made it difficult to see up the road. I am in the yellow circle with my Canadian Flag.

With a quick warning, I had my phone poised and ready to go! As the carriage flew by at what felt like mach speed, I rapid fire snapped pictures as the crowds from behind pushed forwards for a better glance. Watching through the screen on my phone, with no regrets (just look at the photo I snapped) I had an instinct tell me “Look UP! You need to see it in person too!” At that moment I stopped taking photos in just enough time to see, only feet away from me, the most beautiful human I’ve ever laid eyes on! The whole scene took my breath away! Meghan was glowing, her dress so white it was almost reflective, and even a full year later, I haven’t forgotten how in awe I felt that I was able to be part of this historical moment! I’ve watched the video of their wedding online and followed closely the reporting after the fact, but nothing comes anywhere near how intensely magical it was to be there, in person on that really special day!

Prince Harry was actually waving at ME!!! (or whatever I have to tell myself, who cares, it was awesome!)

And just like that. They were gone, and it was done.

The rest of the day was a bit of a blur, an easy train ride from Windsor to downtown London, I met Taylor at the British Museum, where he spent the day. We had considered heading to Trafalgar Square that evening, but when we sat down for dinner, my body had had enough. The emotional toll had caught up with me and mixed with pure exhaustion, I cried into my butter chicken and we decided to call it a night at around 6 pm and head back to our cozy little garden shed. When we saw Karmen the next morning, I couldn’t wait to show her the photos I had taken, and needless to say, she was happy for me after all!

Now that a year has gone by, I still am in disbelief that really happened. It was a special day I’ll never forget! I am still in touch with Claire and Suzanne, we have self-appointed ourselves as Godmothers to little Archie Harrison! And one day, when I’m telling this story to my great-grandchildren, I hope they understand what a once in a lifetime experience this was! I certainly will never take for granted how fortunate I am to have been there!

Love ya,

When Good Things Happen

March 8, 2019 Leave a Comment

Today I wanted to share the first part in our Ireland/London adventure with you! It was almost exactly one year ago when I received a message on Instagram “Well hey there! We love the Olympic spirit!…” it started. “You are an eligible winner.” Surely this was a scam! A few days prior, I had entered a video of Arthurbear in a contest run by Air Canada, and while I thought it was the cutest entry they could possibly receive, it was still a shock to read those words. The prize, 2 round trip tickets, anywhere in the WORLD, their airline flies, these are the things dreams are made of! The message went on to ask for me to send some additional information to the customer service rep, and while still suspicious, I decided I’d play along, at least until they asked for my credit card number and my mama’s maiden name! Turns out, it was the real deal, we were WINNERS!

You can watch the video here, of the prize winning performance!

At the time of the contest Arthur was obsessed with The Hockey Song by Stompin’ Tom. He would play his little guitar and sing his heart out. I figured, why not capitalize on his new found desire to perform and share a video with my sales group on facebook! It was fantastic, there was so much positive response and Arthurbear really seemed to enjoy being the centre of attention (as if that was new around here). My friend Kaitlyn saw the video and encouraged me to enter the Air Canada contest, and the rest as they say, is history!

Now I don’t want this to come across the wrong way, we are so grateful and still in complete disbelief that we won such a significant prize…but… it came with some big decisions to make! First of all, who would go? Could Taylor get the time off work? We were not planning a family vacation last year, so there was no budget to dig into for a third person. We also were dreading the idea of traveling abroad with a car seat using child. So after much discussion, Taylor and I decided that Arthur would stay behind and enjoy a staycation with his grandparents, as well as a pretty epic shopping spree at the LEGO store, while we used the prize!

After considering black out dates (which put us in most hot destinations over their winter), and vacation days from Taylor’s job, as well as our budget for food and accommodations, we ruled out a few dream destinations like New Zealand (too cold), and South Africa (too pricey)! One location we both were very interested in, was Ireland! When Taylor learned that he could get time off over their first ever Spartan Race he was sold, and when I saw how affordable flights to London were in time for the Royal Wedding of Prince Harry to Meghan Markle… it was a done deal! We booked our trip and started planning!

On Mothers Day 2018, we set off on an adventure I want to share with you here on my website! I soak up any opportunity I have to travel, and have learned many lessons along the way. There are things I think we did right, and others where we made some mistakes that ended up costing a whole lot more money or wasted some precious travel time! I hope that in sharing my travel stories, you will be able to avoid the same mistakes and enjoy your own travel experiences to the fullest! Get ready in the next few weeks to hear more about this, as well as some other of our awesome travel adventures!

Leave a comment below and let me know where would you go, if you won free flights anywhere in the world?

Love ya,

Welcome to the Village!

November 14, 2018 Leave a Comment

Ahoy friends! I am so glad you’ve taken some time out of your day to hang with me, here… on the interwebs! It has been a while since I’ve created content for a blog, but after a little soul searching, I feel that it’s time to get back to doing something I really love! Posting content online is NOTHING new to me, various times over the years I’ve made videos or written blog posts about my life or things that were important to me. I’ve come to realize I miss this format for connecting with others, so I’m looking at this as a fresh start, the next chapter!

As for the what and why I’m planning in this space on the world wide web… We are creating community! Through many experiences in the past 2.5 years, I’ve discovered a deep love for social media and connecting with others, even from a distance. By sharing my experiences and dreams, I’ve built relationships with so many people, including those, I have only ever “met” online. Living in such a sparsely populated place, I have to get creative in order to find my “village”. Life can get messy, parenting is hard and hilarious, throw in: work, traveling, and general adulting, it is always more fun when we feel connected to a community!

I want to share my stories and experiences with you, and in turn, hear your stories and experiences, learning from one another. I’m certainly no expert in any area, I wouldn’t claim to be! That said, I have learned so much from trial and error, and even more from my friends and family, that I hope that one day, when you’re making that kick ass bowl of guacamole or feeling confident enough to try a bold lipstick colour for the first time, you can say, “Kalynn told me to do it!” and hopefully, you won’t regret a thing! Or, if there is ever a time you are feeling down by the struggles you’re going through, you can take a look at this site and know “I’m not alone”! We are in it together folks!

Until then, thank you so much for taking the time to join me on this journey! I hope you stick around, and don’t forget to click those social media icons at the top of the page!

Love ya,

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