divorce

The Struggle is Real

February 18, 2020 11 Comments

As with all things on the internet, when it comes to my life, you are only seeing a carefully curated version of what I choose to share on social media and here on my website. I, of course, prioritize being raw and authentic, and what you read here is always the truth, but it is only part of a bigger story. Sharing about getting a divorce is an especially tough one to navigate because while I may be comfortable opening up about the entire experience, I have a responsibility to Taylor, and especially to Arthurbear to protect their privacy in the process. With this in mind, it is important to me that we take a little time out and get on the same page with how things REALLY are.

Fair warning, this isn’t the typical upbeat and inspiring tone you may be used to reading here. I want this to be a light and positive space on the internet, something you read that brings value to your day….. but this likely won’t be that added value.

In recent weeks and months, some of you (yeah, I’m probably talking about YOU!) have labeled me as being “positive” and “strong” amid being more open about my separation. It’s not that these are bad things at all, in fact, I’m really honoured that anyone would think this about me. If anything it is a little overwhelming, I don’t think I’ve done anything special to deserve these labels. It can though, feel a little disingenuous to accept such high praise when I’ve only shared the moments I’ve felt positive and like I’ve got it, at least a little bit, together. Online and in-person I’ve made calculated choices to show only my best, and hide the darkness that comes with struggle. But please don’t ever confuse this for there not being any struggle. Life is hard at the best of times, and the challenges that divorce brings can take that to another level.

Having suffered from anxiety over the years, friends and family know, my go-to coping strategy is crawling into bed and hiding under the covers. (It probably doesn’t help that the medication for anxiety my doctor had prescribed knocks me on my ass for a solid two days) It’s become a bit of a joke, amongst friends that if I’m having a hard day, I can be found in my bed! This has been especially true since my separation. Obviously, as a mum and working a full-time job, I’m not able to spend all day in bed, but sometimes, it’s all I want to do! Getting through the week is a lot harder from bed, didn’t ya know!

Basically I’m writing this post, to show I’m not a walking ray of sunshine going through this divorce. I am battling big feelings of insecurity, after having felt so secure in all areas of my life. I am angry and resentful with just a dash of bitterness mixed in to make things fun. I’ve been hurt. I’m scared and I’m struggling. The struggle is SO real. But this isn’t the image I want you to see. I don’t want to appear weak or too vulnerable, I want everyone to see the brave, unflappable, and totally in control person, I wish to be. Most of all, I hate the idea that I might show anybody the hurt they’ve caused. I wish I could make them believe I care as little about them, as they do about me.

Where I previously had security, I now hesitate to trust anyone. People I’d called friends have figuratively and, actually, quite literally turned their backs on me. (Rude, right?!?) Others have treated me so terribly that I can’t look at them without seeing the irreparable damage they’ve done to our relationship and feeling that anger bubble up inside of me. It’s heartbreaking on a very regular basis. The hardest part of getting a divorce, so far, isn’t even the divorce, it’s the way people have treated me. And for someone who is quite sensitive, it has been a lot to take. Being sensitive also means that it’s been a life long struggle to try and hide my emotions when I almost always wear them on my sleeve. I am so exhausted from trying to pretend it’s all completely fine.

A lot of days, life feels like a never-ending gut punch. It sucks. But through it all, I am able to dig deep and pull out that strength and positivity. I know I’m able to get through it, I’ve made it through much harder circumstances. I am strong. I am brave. I am optimistic. But some days I’m not. It’s ok to not be ok.

My intention is never for this to be a negative or “down” place. I mean, who would keep coming back to that website!? But I felt like sometimes the “It’s cool, I’m fine” attitude is actually doing a disservice to anyone who may be reading this and think “why is she able to cruise through these circumstances when I’m having a hard time” Let me say it loud and clear, I am having a hard time too. It’s awkward, and uncomfortable at best, and devastating and heartbreaking at normal. Just know, not all is as it seems, and I’m having a hard time too. For those of you who aren’t currently experiencing a hard time, remember even when someone is putting on a brave face, they can be struggling on the inside.

I am going to be ok, I’m not looking for pity or sympathy, but I do want to be real with you all and today, this is my reality. I think sharing this might actually be what has taken the most courage for me yet. Thanks for reading, and for all of your support!

I love ya,

Rolling with Rejection

January 29, 2020 6 Comments

Ask me what my biggest fear is!!! Go ahead, ask me!… It’s being mauled to death by cougars! But my second biggest fear, and unfortunately, the one I’m far more likely to encounter in my life: Rejection. I’ve done a pretty good job in my life of avoiding situations where I could be rejected. I didn’t date around in highschool (let’s be real, it wasn’t like there was a mob of cute boys banging at the front door trying to date me, either) Hell, I married the first boy I did date! I have always shied away from most activities that involved a tryout or audition unless I KNEW the odds were with me. Like that one time, in Jr. High, I played Senior badminton for 3 consecutive years, only because they never had enough players! And until recently, I landed every single job I interviewed for! I am pretty sure that I won them over with my sparkly disposition. The world was easy on me, and I enjoyed that blissful, privileged existence! Then, this summer it seems I packed up my house, and moved to Rejection City!

I have been dealing with a lot of rejection in my life lately, and it’s not exactly a good time. Some say that hearing “no” gently pushes them to try harder, but it violently shoves me into a corner where I’d like to put my head between my knees and breathe frantically into a paper bag! It’s not a feeling that I can say is a fun one. But going through a crash course in what it’s like to be rejected has, in many ways been so good for me. Today I wanted to share the sometimes funny tale of what it’s been like for me lately and how I’ve been faced with the ups and downs of being rejected.

After facing the initial sting of being separated, (nothing like being rejected by your “life partner” to kick off all the warm fuzzy feelings in this post!) the joyful task of finding a job was looming. Thankfully I had the month of September to focus on settling Arthur and perfecting my stand out resume and cover letter! I researched the snot out of what kind of work I’d best like to try, but ultimately realized I was open to just about anything. In early October, with about $37 to my name, I was ready to work!

My go-to interview outfit… I also wore shoes, in case you were worried!

Que the crickets! For probably a month, I didn’t hear back, AT. ALL….. from ANYONE! I was putting my application in for multiple positions a week, in a small town, that was getting close to applying for every single job that was posted. Not one, even emailed me back to acknowledge they received my application. These weren’t exactly high-level positions, so it was a bit of a blow to my ego. But just when I was starting to feel quite discouraged, I was called for my first interview. Great! This was my time to shine! I always nail the interview, remember?!

Of all the jobs I applied for, my first interview was for a position I felt was out of my league. I had no directly relevant training or experience. It was for a company that has amazing local brand recognition and is very trendy. The owner is pretty high profile, for Manitoba, at least. They have a small staff, who all just exude cool! There is no doubt they were all the popular kids in high school! I just didn’t feel like I fit in, so needless to say I was already intimidated. BUT I put on a pretty dress, painted my face to the best of my ability, and right before I walked into that interview swiped one more layer of lipstick on my lips! HUGE mistake! As I opened my mouth to answer the first question, every drop of moisture disappeared from my tongue. It felt like my mouth had been stuffed with a fist full of cotton balls! At the same time the fresh, still, tacky lipstick glued my mouth shut! No matter how hard I willed myself, I was not able to fully open my lips to answer! My mind was racing a mile a minute, all the while it must have looked like I was having some kind of stroke. Not to mention it sounded like I was faking a terrible accent through pursed lips! Sadly, my situation didn’t improve, so I quickly stumbled through the rest of the questions red-faced and got my ass out of there! Sigh, my interview winning streak was over! I knew as I walked out the door, I wouldn’t be getting a callback. I wanted to crawl under a rock and die. Oh, please dear God, don’t let me ever see these people again in my life! But after a few days, I realized if I can laugh off, what was a pretty humiliating experience, I would be perfectly fine, and possibly better prepared for my next interview!

That initial pity party was short-lived as I received calls now for more interviews for other positions! Beyond “bring your own water”, that first interview experience prepared me for meeting with new potential employers! I learned that I am capable of surviving uncomfortable situations, and failure, while painful, should be embraced! There are lessons to be learned here folks! Being rejected, while not feeling so nice is not an accurate measure of my abilities or worth. And they aren’t of yours either!

The happy ending of this story, is that I did eventually find a job! I have been training as an Eyewear Consultant for the past two months. I’ve met some incredible people through my work and I enjoy it every single day! I wonder now if I had not fallen on my face in that initial interview, would I be stuck working in a position that wasn’t such a great fit for me! Was the sting of rejection all part of things working out exactly as they were supposed to? It’s hard for me to surrender to the belief, if I let go, I will fall into the life I’m meant to have, but it sure feels like that’s what happens, despite my best protests!

I now see rejection as a teaching tool, helping me learn and grow. When my instinct is to resist life’s swerves, and brace against feeling embarrassed and hurt, these experiences are probably very healthy and important to walk through. I am turning rejection into resilience, and it feels pretty empowering!

Love ya,

Hello 2020, Let’s Make Some Plans!

January 2, 2020 Leave a Comment

Do you ever feel conflicted between what feels good and what logically makes sense? Every single year, we get to the beginning of January and I find myself completely torn between wanting to make all kinds of promises and lofty goals for my life “New year, New me!” and all that, and the reality that I’m HIGHLY unlikely to ever maintain those goals or results on the long term! The struggle is real, and this year is absolutely no different! But why change it all now? Here is the lofty list of goals I am under no legal obligation to achieve this year!

I figure the worst that can happen is that I put my goals and plans out into the blogosphere and then absolutely nothing changes and I don’t achieve as much as I had hoped. So what?! If last year was any indication, the alternative outcome is that this is another year of measurable growth, and I will be grateful that I recorded my thoughts at the start of the year, to compare at the end! So, without further ado, here are my goals and dreams for the year 2020.

1. Do More of Whatever Sparks Joy

I feel like everyone went into the last few years with Marie Kondo ringing in their ears, “I must throw away all of my belongings” we all chanted! But this goes beyond that for me. The sacrifice of working full time is that I have fewer hours in the day to choose activities that bring me joy. Who has time to be doing things that don’t serve me or my family? Maybe before I was working, but I sure don’t any more! Aside from intentional time spent with Bear, I’d like to -write more for my website, -read more of the books I feel invested in, -be outside more and continue making self-care a priority. I also want to say “No” more often to the time killers that do not serve me. It’s not about being selfish, it’s about focusing on wellbeing!

2. Build Healthy Skin Habits

I have really noticed that after years of neglect, abuse, and mistreatment, my skin is struggling. My face especially is just looking a little rough, and I’d like to focus some time every day on repairing the damage I’ve done, and preventing further stress on my skin. This means cleansing, toning and moisturizing (yes folks, we’ve reached the age of needing an eye cream!) every night before bed, and wearing sun protection during the day! (I’m open to any suggestions for daily face SPF that is non-greasy for HIGHLY sensitive skin!). I also hope to be intentional about drinking more water and treating myself to quality products that are going on my skin! I’m not getting any younger, and let’s face it… I’m simply never going to attract a man if my skin is looking a hot mess! (Never mind my life is kind of a giant dumpster fire right now, but I’m sure some dreamboat will ignore all that if my skin is looking youthful! Right?)

I’m hoping to give my skin a little help this year!

3. Get Better at Being Organized

This is something I have made HUGE strides at in 2019! Thanks, anxiety! For the better part of last year, I found that when I felt anxious I would either crawl under my covers and hide from my responsibilities OR manically clean the house! Let me tell you, one of these things was actually a very helpful coping mechanism, the other…. less so! For 2020 I really want to hone those skills! From time management and getting the most out of my paper planner system, to getting scary adulting jobs done with and out of the way first (I’m looking at you, income taxes!), I want to keep on top of being organized in all areas of my life to avoid being overwhelmed. Especially living in such tight quarters, it doesn’t take much mess before the clutter feels suffocating. My goal here is to make it a priority to keep on top of the little jobs, so they don’t become big jobs. This also includes habits like -Making my bed, -Putting away clean laundry – Sorting paperwork as soon as it comes home and -less procrastinating in all areas!

4. Learn To Do Something Difficult, and DO NOT GIVE UP!

You know that feeling when the Ikea manual says the build requires two people, but you complete the project yourself and you feel hella empowered? No, you just get frustrated and cry? I don’t get that! In all seriousness, I LOVE building Ikea furniture, I always feel amazing when it’s done. Sometimes, I do get frustrated and cry, but when I finish the job and have a fully functioning, relatively cute shoe cupboard, that is a GOOD feeling! I want more of that feeling in 2020! Ideally without spending much money on low budget furniture! I am capable of so much more than I usually give myself credit for, so this is the year of proving to myself that “I CAN”!

5. Be More Adventurous

This year, I want to do the things I sat around last year waiting for someone else to make happen. I want to take Bear skiing (or snowboarding if he prefers), go on another couple of hikes, and possibly even learn to haul, park and level mum and dad’s fancy new trailer for a camping adventure, just Arthur and I! There is nothing specific that anyone else has that makes them more qualified than myself to do these things, but I have always had it in my mind that they do. I’m looking forward to going on more adventures and being less afraid of things I have no business worrying about! I am woman, hear me roar! Or at least, mumble quietly in the corner, but I have a good feeling about this!

These are just a few of the goals I feel confident sharing at the start of this new decade! I anticipate many new challenges and tests as the weeks, months and years go by, but I am cautiously optimistic that I will be able to look back in 12 months and be proud of how far I’ve come!

Did you set any resolutions or goals for the new year? I’d love to hear about them in the comments!

Love ya,

Reflections of the Past Year

January 2, 2020 2 Comments

Working in an optometric clinic has given going into the year 2020 a whole new meaning! The jokes and marketing opportunities are endless and while I’m cautious, I have yet to tire of them! The reality for me is that walking out of this past year and into a new decade has given me an opportunity for a clearer vision for my future. As corny as that sounds, I feel like this is exactly what I need! It was filled with some wild ups and downs, but at the end of 2019, I am filled with so much peace and excitement for what is to come! But for those of you that know me well, know I would NEVER pass on an opportunity to look back and reflect on the path I’ve walked this last year, first! Here is a ~~brief~~ review of 2019.

The first half of 2019 is a true mix of highlights and heartaches, but I wanted to start off this post sharing about Arthur’s 6th birthday, once again, his party was incredible, but I could never pull it off without a lot of help!

Bear also graduated from Kindergarten! School was never his favourite activity, but he did enjoy being in the same class as his bestie! I just LOVE how much he loves her!

Arthur’s Kindergarten Graduation, and his best friend B.K!

2019 was a rough year in many ways, namely the end of my marriage, and surprisingly, as a result, the end of some friendships. But far more significant in my mind are the people in my life that showed up in BIG ways to support Arthur and I! Without them, I may be writing a different story, but instead, I am able to say that my “word of the year” for 2019, Thrive, became a reality! Living in my parent’s basement certainly wasn’t what I envisioned when I wrote that word down just over a year ago, but I didn’t realize then, that thriving was so much more than where I live, my marital status or how much money I have to my name. Thriving to me, now, means making the best of non-ideal circumstances and finding joy and contentment in the midst of challenging growth! Walking through a storm and being better for it as you walk out the other side!

In the heartbreak and sadness that I experienced in 2019, I grew stronger, braver and more determined than ever! Although not the path I would have chosen myself, I have used my circumstances to work towards becoming a better version of the woman I already am. I felt the weight of people’s judgement and pity a lot this year, but none of it had anything to do with me, and everything to do with them! As I make goals for our future, they include many instances of pushing me out of my comfort zone and doing things that scare me. I can do hard things, I’ve already proven that to myself!

Our first time in a Helicopter, summer 2019

I’m so grateful that I have really amazing people in my village! This summer I was set on taking up hiking as a new hobby! My brother was kind enough to tag along with us as we completed Arthur’s first ever hike in the Whiteshell! I’m also so grateful for my friends who showed up in the moments I didn’t even ask, simply because they knew better than I did, how much I needed them! What a gift that was!

Arthur and I did an 8km hike this summer at Pine Point Rapids! More hiking and camping is a priority for us this year!

Camping at Rushing River, near Kenora, ON

One of the highlights of my year was kicking it off with the news of baby Micah’s pending arrival! My dear friend Andrea and her husband Eric had been through some struggles trying to get pregnant, so this was extra special news! I was honoured to be the first to know his sex and reveal it to their friends and family, AND to co-host his baby shower! There is just this extra delight in watching people you care about join the parenthood club and be so naturally great at it! Also, who doesn’t love an adorable baby to snuggle!?

Arthur and I soaking up baby cuddles at little Micah’s shower!

Another big event that took place this year, was Arthur starting full-time school! This kid took it all in stride! He had our separation, a move, a brand new school and as if that wasn’t enough, it was all in French! While there were rocky moments in the beginning, as soon as he realized that he was capable of learning a new language, he took off and hasn’t looked back! I’m so proud of this kid! Whenever I feel overwhelmed as an adult, I just think about how much he took on this year, and how well he adjusted, all things considered! He is such a rockstar!

Arthur is also now in his second year of hockey! He is a great little skater, and really seems to enjoy himself! It just warms my heart, at his first tournament, when he made it clear, he was only interested in helping his team get goals, not necessarily being the person to score them himself! I can’t even describe how much I love getting to watch him play!

We wrapped up 2019 with our annual extended family trip to Elkhorn! It is an amazing chance to spend quality time together, and this year was all about recharging our batteries! It is such a gift to spend this time together and focus on having fun! The perfect way to end our year!

Our annual winter weekend at Elkhorn Resort!

All in all, our year had many more ups than downs! Although there were rough moments, I am proud of the way I carried myself through it all. I have shown myself just how strong I really am. I have every confidence that the 2020’s will be a decade that I continue to grow, but will also come with its own challenges that I am excited to take head on! Come at me, 2020, you don’t scare me!

Love ya,

New Me, Who Dis?

November 19, 2019 14 Comments

Does anyone know what essential oil you’re supposed to use when your life is falling apart? Is it lavender? I bet it’s lavender oil!

Friends, while some of you already know, others might just be finding out now, Taylor and I are no longer together. We separated in August and will be getting divorced. I’m sure you can imagine why it feels so awkward to “announce” something like this. But if I have learned one thing from living in a tiny town, and my affinity for celebrity gossip magazines, telling people difficult news first hand is a luxury not everyone gets! So this is my opportunity to fill you in. Is it unconventional? Yes. But it is also healing and something I feel is important for me.

Let’s face it, I’m nosey A.F. I’m the person who thoroughly enjoys watching “reality” TV, attending open houses, and reading the specific “cause of death” in a stranger’s obituary. If I had your address, I’d probably read your mail! (I’ve got some issues, I’m aware!) What can I say, I just love knowing how people truly live their lives behind closed doors!

That same nosey nature always makes me question when someone’s relationship status is unclear. This isn’t all that uncommon, as most couples split without public announcement (Because that would be weird right? Yet here I am…) But, by putting this out there I want to take the speculation off the table and try to slightly lessen the stigma of separation and divorce, as it can be quite isolating. Seriously. Some people are downright jerks about it!

I believe in sharing our experiences and value openness and vulnerability. It helps that I’m naturally an over-sharer! I believe that a problem shared is a problem halved, and it isn’t healthy to keep it all inside! Perhaps sharing my story will help someone feel less alone. In turn, they share and somebody else struggling feels more accepted, and so on! It’s also selfishly cathartic to not walk around with some “shame-filled secret failure of my life”! Not to be dramatic or anything!

Breaking up sucks, plain and simple, but there is something extra shitty when your very first break up is a divorce! I was in high school when Taylor and I started dating, and I was only 18 when we got married. We went through a lot together and ultimately decided after twelve and a half years, not to continue on as a couple after exhausting all other options. As parents to Bear, our #1 priority is him! Since our separation, we have continued family activities, including Thanksgiving with my family, and recently a Manitoba Moose hockey game, as co-parents. It takes maturity, sacrifice, and a constant choice to put aside adult issues for the sake of your child, but I am committed to making this whole situation as easy on Arthur as possible. I believe his dad feels the same, and for that I am grateful!

As for my day-to-day, we are settling into our new normal! Arthur started French Immersion in September, and I’ve just accepted a full time position as an Eyewear Consultant! (Talk about the PERFECT job for me!) I don’t really know what the future holds, but like my mama has said along this journey “Left foot, right foot, left foot, right foot!” We are getting through, just fine!

I intend to write more in the coming weeks and months, now from the perspective of a single, thirty-something, mum! My life might not be all that exciting, but I am looking forward to sharing my thoughts and experiences with you again! This blog is my diary! Where I keep track of my ideas and my growth! Life doesn’t always go as planned. Hard shit happens, but I know that I am being stretched, and growing and will become only better for it all! I CAN do hard things!

As always, I love to read your comments! Please feel free to share here or on social media! Thank you for your love and support and for reading my sometimes, rambling thoughts, it means the world to me!

I really do love ya,

divorce

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