parenting

Hello 2020, Let’s Make Some Plans!

January 2, 2020 Leave a Comment

Do you ever feel conflicted between what feels good and what logically makes sense? Every single year, we get to the beginning of January and I find myself completely torn between wanting to make all kinds of promises and lofty goals for my life “New year, New me!” and all that, and the reality that I’m HIGHLY unlikely to ever maintain those goals or results on the long term! The struggle is real, and this year is absolutely no different! But why change it all now? Here is the lofty list of goals I am under no legal obligation to achieve this year!

I figure the worst that can happen is that I put my goals and plans out into the blogosphere and then absolutely nothing changes and I don’t achieve as much as I had hoped. So what?! If last year was any indication, the alternative outcome is that this is another year of measurable growth, and I will be grateful that I recorded my thoughts at the start of the year, to compare at the end! So, without further ado, here are my goals and dreams for the year 2020.

1. Do More of Whatever Sparks Joy

I feel like everyone went into the last few years with Marie Kondo ringing in their ears, “I must throw away all of my belongings” we all chanted! But this goes beyond that for me. The sacrifice of working full time is that I have fewer hours in the day to choose activities that bring me joy. Who has time to be doing things that don’t serve me or my family? Maybe before I was working, but I sure don’t any more! Aside from intentional time spent with Bear, I’d like to -write more for my website, -read more of the books I feel invested in, -be outside more and continue making self-care a priority. I also want to say “No” more often to the time killers that do not serve me. It’s not about being selfish, it’s about focusing on wellbeing!

2. Build Healthy Skin Habits

I have really noticed that after years of neglect, abuse, and mistreatment, my skin is struggling. My face especially is just looking a little rough, and I’d like to focus some time every day on repairing the damage I’ve done, and preventing further stress on my skin. This means cleansing, toning and moisturizing (yes folks, we’ve reached the age of needing an eye cream!) every night before bed, and wearing sun protection during the day! (I’m open to any suggestions for daily face SPF that is non-greasy for HIGHLY sensitive skin!). I also hope to be intentional about drinking more water and treating myself to quality products that are going on my skin! I’m not getting any younger, and let’s face it… I’m simply never going to attract a man if my skin is looking a hot mess! (Never mind my life is kind of a giant dumpster fire right now, but I’m sure some dreamboat will ignore all that if my skin is looking youthful! Right?)

I’m hoping to give my skin a little help this year!

3. Get Better at Being Organized

This is something I have made HUGE strides at in 2019! Thanks, anxiety! For the better part of last year, I found that when I felt anxious I would either crawl under my covers and hide from my responsibilities OR manically clean the house! Let me tell you, one of these things was actually a very helpful coping mechanism, the other…. less so! For 2020 I really want to hone those skills! From time management and getting the most out of my paper planner system, to getting scary adulting jobs done with and out of the way first (I’m looking at you, income taxes!), I want to keep on top of being organized in all areas of my life to avoid being overwhelmed. Especially living in such tight quarters, it doesn’t take much mess before the clutter feels suffocating. My goal here is to make it a priority to keep on top of the little jobs, so they don’t become big jobs. This also includes habits like -Making my bed, -Putting away clean laundry – Sorting paperwork as soon as it comes home and -less procrastinating in all areas!

4. Learn To Do Something Difficult, and DO NOT GIVE UP!

You know that feeling when the Ikea manual says the build requires two people, but you complete the project yourself and you feel hella empowered? No, you just get frustrated and cry? I don’t get that! In all seriousness, I LOVE building Ikea furniture, I always feel amazing when it’s done. Sometimes, I do get frustrated and cry, but when I finish the job and have a fully functioning, relatively cute shoe cupboard, that is a GOOD feeling! I want more of that feeling in 2020! Ideally without spending much money on low budget furniture! I am capable of so much more than I usually give myself credit for, so this is the year of proving to myself that “I CAN”!

5. Be More Adventurous

This year, I want to do the things I sat around last year waiting for someone else to make happen. I want to take Bear skiing (or snowboarding if he prefers), go on another couple of hikes, and possibly even learn to haul, park and level mum and dad’s fancy new trailer for a camping adventure, just Arthur and I! There is nothing specific that anyone else has that makes them more qualified than myself to do these things, but I have always had it in my mind that they do. I’m looking forward to going on more adventures and being less afraid of things I have no business worrying about! I am woman, hear me roar! Or at least, mumble quietly in the corner, but I have a good feeling about this!

These are just a few of the goals I feel confident sharing at the start of this new decade! I anticipate many new challenges and tests as the weeks, months and years go by, but I am cautiously optimistic that I will be able to look back in 12 months and be proud of how far I’ve come!

Did you set any resolutions or goals for the new year? I’d love to hear about them in the comments!

Love ya,

Running Free, My Evolving Relationship with Risk

June 3, 2019 Leave a Comment

When I first became a mum, I felt this overwhelming instinct to protect my baby from danger and all forms of pain. I suspect this concept is familiar to many new parents. It’s totally normal, right? Totally normal! What I didn’t realize at the time, is that as those instincts would spiral out of control, as anxiety crept in! Looking back it seems so obvious, but back then, I just couldn’t understand why everything felt so scary and intense when I thought about bad things happening to Arthurbear. Certainly, it was my one and only job to do everything in my power to protect him from all perceived danger possible! We all know it’s such a scary world out there after all.

When Arthurbear was just over a year old, I attended a presentation in Winnipeg by Lenore Sknazy! If you don’t recognize her name, you may have heard her story before. She shot to fame as “America’s Worst Mom” after she wrote about letting her then 9-year-old son ride the NYC subway home alone. She shared about her experience, her thought process and about how we’ve changed as a society! And get this! While society’s perception has changed, crime rates have actually DROPPED since I was a kid! Go figure! Could have fooled me! Thanks to the 24 hour news at our fingertips, it really appears to be so much worse, doesn’t it!?!

https://www.amazon.ca/Free-Range-Raise-Self-Reliant-Children-Without/dp/0470574755/ref=sr_1_1?keywords=free+range+kids&qid=1559232370&s=gateway&sr=8-1

I left the talk with a copy of her book “Free Range Kids, How to Raise Safe, Self-Reliant Children (Without Going Nuts with Worry)” and dove deep into this book and her blog! The more information I consumed, the calmer and less anxious I felt! It made me feel much more confident knowing that statistically, the risks of things like stranger abduction are so small, they’re virtually impossible to guard against! It really changed my thinking, that while there are things I can do to keep Arthur safe, like using car seats or bike helmets, making myself crazy over the stuff that is likely to NEVER happen, wasn’t a good use of my time or energy! Should the unthinkable occur, I am sure I will carry as much guilt and self-blame as the next guy, but we simply can’t live our lives well, in fear! According to British author Warwick Cairns, if you actually wanted a stranger to abduct your child and keep them overnight, statistically you would have to leave them unattended, outside for roughly, 750,000 years! That statement flipped my notion of the world we live in on its head! You mean there aren’t “bad guys” hiding around every corner and in each alleyway? This statistic on its own relieved a lot of the anxiety I’d been carrying!

When Arthur was 3, I began my job at the Nursery School. I had heard of risky play through my college years and in passing since, but it had slipped my mind in those early parenting days. I was fortunate enough to attend several workshops on the subject of Play, and they all inevitably raved about the benefits of risky play! Risky play is categorized as these types of play: Play at fast speeds, play at great heights, play with dangerous tools or elements, play where a child can “get lost” and rough and tumble play.

It always made me think a lot about my own childhood. I loved to ride my bike the 3+km into town unsupervised with my brother and cousin, climb trees, building sketchy “tree forts” out of scrap materials found in the yard and my personal favourite “sibling invented” rough and tumble game “Get Off the Bed” and as we got a little older, rolling down the steep side of the overpass… sometimes in an old rain barrel (sorry mum, if you’re just learning about this now!) At the end of the day, we may have been battered and bruised, but we felt on top of the world, empowered and I learned so much from those experiences! How would my son look back on his childhood if I was always there to protect him from those perceived dangers? Could the benefits really outweigh the risks? Did I want his first independent experience lighting a fire or using an axe to be at a bush party when he is 16? And did I trust myself, as this boy’s ever-loving mother, to make accurate risk assessments in individual situations?

As I answered these questions, I could feel the fear start to drift away. I want him to grow and discover his capabilities and his limits while respecting tools and danger on his own, so that when he is in situations without my guidance he can make smart, informed decisions. All. By. Himself! I can say, without doubt, this thinking has made me a better mum, and a better teacher.

How many times have you heard someone say “Slides are for going down”

The beauty of “risky” play is that it is really a broad term that can describe so many types of activities for children of all different ages! And sometimes, it is a little bit controversial! For example, allowing a child to climb up the slide can be a surprisingly divisive topic. It challenges both our notions of social appropriateness and safety regulations! We’ve all been told “slides are for going down”, and most of us have probably said it ourselves! Here’s the thing… Sliding down is simply the easy way of using one piece of playground equipment. I’d now argue that my child and my students gain more skills from the challenge of climbing up the inclined, sometimes slippery surface than they do sliding down feet first in a seated position. It’s great for their motor development, creative thinking, and problem-solving skills! As for the social aspect, I really have learned to enjoy stepping back and observing children work out these issues on their own! What a fantastic, and overall low-risk, opportunity for children to work through conflict amongst themselves. Times where an agreement can’t be reached, I may step in and encourage turn taking, and listening to each other. But when possible, I respect each child’s desired use of the equipment, over giving priority to children using it one way over another.

One of the most amazing things about risky play, for me, is that I truly believe it makes play safer! I have a very strict “No Helping” rule! I believe it is dangerous to lift a kiddo up into a tree or hold their legs as they swing across the monkey bars! It is, unfortunately, a common thing to witness at most parks, but I think it does a disservice to little ones by putting them in a position they aren’t yet ready to handle. To calm my anxious mind, I need to know that Bear is building on his skills and learning his own limits! That might even mean falling and earning his own bumps and bruises. When climbing a tree, at 3 years old, he could only barely reach the bottom branch. As he got older, taller and stronger, he managed to get a little higher! Now, at 6 years old, he scales to the top of that tree, knowing what to look for, testing out thin branches before putting his weight on them. Each time he attempted to climb that tree, he was building on the skills and knowledge he already had. He has gained confidence and feels accomplished because he did it all on his own!

I will admit, there are times that allowing Arthur to ~~take risks~~ gain valuable life experience, on his own, means I have to turn my back and choose not to watch. When he is up high in a tree, or jumping off a tall woodpile, I immediately ask “Do you feel confident that you are making a good decision?”, then turn around and close my eyes! While he feels in control and I’m learning to trust him, my anxiety can sometimes kick in and disrupt the learning opportunity. I can take comfort knowing that he will be safer 1. Doing it on his own, and 2. Without his mama gasping, yelling in fear, or repeating a shrill “be careful” every 5 seconds.

Now I’m certainly not suggesting we all let our children play in traffic, sling loaded guns, or jump from their third story window in the name of gaining life experience. Clearly, as parents, it IS our job to set limits and protect our children from real dangers and harm. All I am suggesting is that, like me, many parents are living in fear and it can be more damaging to our children than a skinned knee or bump to the head. If your kid is anything like mine, no amount of bubble wrap can prevent them from getting hurt in the most random ways (you should have SEEN the bruise he got tripping over thin air!), so why are we too nervous to allow them the benefits of really pushing their limits?! You may be surprised to find that the pressure you feel to protect your child from every potential injury is lessened when you start to let go, just a little at a time! I know it has for me!

Can you think of something risky your child is ready to do on their own but hasn’t been given the chance yet? Share in the comments if this post made you think of ways you can step back and let your child experience a little more risk!

Love ya,

Survival Tips for Solo Parenting

January 25, 2019 5 Comments

It’s funny, you know, how things sometimes don’t turn out exactly the way you imagine they will. That’s certainly happened a time or two in my life! Today I am sharing my story of being a “solo parent” and giving my best tips to get through it with most of your sanity in tact! First of all, to be clear, I use the term solo parent, because I am not, nor do I know the experiences of any single parents. While I believe there is some similarity in certain struggles, I recognize the difference and do not intend on minimizing those hardships faced by single parents. To me, a solo parent is a partnered parent who holds a vast majority in mental load/responsibility as well as physical care of a child or children while their partner is away from the home for extended periods.

Photo credit: Samantha Bracken Photography

Before having Arthur I spent lots of time imagining what our little family unit would look like. Because my husband works shift work, I thought we would alternate days and evenings spending most of our free time together. Sharing parenting duties, household responsibilities and the mental load that comes with family life. I even imagined doing the famous tag team hand off when dad gets home from work after a crazy day with a wild toddler! My expectations, like most when first becoming a parent, didn’t quite hit the mark of reality, though. Boy, where have I heard about this before?!

The fact of the matter is, solo parenting is HARD WORK! Parenting a tiny human is really designed to be a team sport, and when on player is absent, the other is forced to play even harder to make up the difference. Dealing with inconsistant schedules and sometimes unpredictable comings and goings by a partner/parent is rough, so here are my best suggestions for surviving the chaos!

1. MANAGE EXPECTATIONS: Umm, duh lady! I know I know. This is much easier said than done, but 90% of my struggle with parenting solo is that I had expected things to go differently! I assumed Taylor would be home, or that Arthurbear wouldn’t choose the grocery story to express his misdirected frustrations at me, or that poor box of noodles! Open communication, including asking questions and maybe even taking notes can help keep things in check, being prepared for the unexpected can really reduce stress in this situation! One of the biggest and most helpful shifts for me was when I accepted and owned the role of solo parent. I manage all parts of child related scheduling and shuttling. School, sports, doctor, dentist, visits with family, birthday parties, special activities etc. If Taylor can be there, wonderful, even more fun, but if he can’t, that’s ok because I’ve got it covered! Once I realized I was capable of handling it on my own, my mindset shifted and everything felt more manageable and less like a dreaded chore. I focused on what I could accomplish and not the areas I wasn’t getting help. Simple, but VERY effective.

2. SELF CARE, SELF CARE, SELF CARE!: I’m not going to cause your eyes to roll by saying things like “You can’t pour from an empty cup” and “you must put on your own oxygen mask before assisting others” and “taking care of yourself doesn’t mean me first, it means me too!”…. but see how I snuck those all in there for you to read anyway?! BECAUSE THEY’RE TRUE! Hey! I can hear you groaning from here, but this is important, maybe the most important. Burn out is a real risk, and taking on the role of two people the majority of the time speeds up that process exponentially. A relaxing bath, painting your nails, reading a good book with a glass of wine, whatever floats your boat, just make sure to schedule in time to do things that make YOU feel recharged! Make yourself a priority! Kid free time, if that relaxes you, is gold! Take a break whenever you can, even if it takes a little more effort to organize, it will be worth while!

3. RALLY THE TROOPS: Having family or friends that treat you like family close by is the most obvious choice to help out when things feel overwhelming, but that’s not a luxury everyone has! If Grandpa, Grandma or your trusted neighbour Sally aren’t available to lend a hand, you may have to think outside the box. There is NO shame in using creative means to build your own support network, or what I like to call “The Village!”. Casual, or regular childcare (think drop in and part time preschool programs) is not only a great way to get some respite during the day time hours, but a cool place to meet quality child care providers who may agree to moonlight as your babysitter for some extra pocket cash! Also, if you are a military family, in Canada the MFRC is your best friend! I desperately wish we lived closer to ours! They provide invaluable supports! And maybe, unlike me, chillin’ with your villain.. er.. I mean precious little sweetie pie 24/7, is exactly what the Dr. ordered to survive the solo days… in that case, look at ways to make this easier. Hiring a house keeper, ordering a meal service (take out, or one like Hello Fresh!) or paying someone to do lawn care or snow removal are simple suggestions that can be budgeted for carefully and provide value to your family! Find your village and don’t be afraid or ashamed to lean into them! That is what they are there for!

4. RELAX THE RULES: I understand why routines and schedules are recommended for young children, especially by parents who suffer the consequences of a missed nap, or too late snack! However, I personally find the “rules” too regimented to maintain all on my own. I end up stressing myself out, I’m worn out and grouchy resulting in a distressed, grouchy kid… que ugly cycle of whining and fighting with the 5 year old. So, when Daddy is away… Mama and BabyBear play! We watch tv together over our supper eaten at the coffee table! We stay up late, we eat more treats, watch more screens, and my favourite, (and I think Arthur’s too, if I asked him) we have a sleep over in my bed! These are all things that when Taylor is home, we limit or avoid, but are really special and fun for our solo time together! It took adjusting my perspective and lowering my expectations (like a lot!) to make me feel good about this one, but it’s so fun, and helps things feel less rough. Bending the rules changes up the mundane and helps pass the time as well!

5.ENJOY THOSE 2 PARENT HOUSEHOLD DAYS: One of the greatest perks of solo parenting, is the time when your partner is not at work and can devote their time and attention to your family again! In our house that usually means plastic bricks are scattered everywhere, and our basement is filled with Arthur and Dad LEGO creations! I appreciate those little things so much more because they don’t get to happen just any time. Things like watching Taylor be just the best dad to Arthur, the chance to sleep in, somebody ELSE cooking us lunch or supper! It’s the best, and never taken for granted because it is a rare treat! I absolutely live for the times we go on family outings even just to the store! It feels extra special because all time Arthur spends with his dad is quality time!

If at the end of the day everyone is alive, and in one piece… I did my job. Some days, I just kill it! I feel like SuperMum, and like I can take on the world! Other times I lay in bed and cry at night. I feel like Bear and I just fought all day, I failed left, right, and centre and who’s bright idea was it for me to be left alone with this kid all the time?! I’m tired. I’m lonely. I’m tired……You get it. But we keep plugging along because that’s what we have to do, and you know what, it ain’t all that bad! I hope that if you find yourself in the midst of solo parenting that you find some of my suggestions helpful! Let’s keep the conversation going in the comments and tell me your best tools for the tough solo parenting moments!

Love ya,

Putting an End to the Mommy Wars

November 15, 2018 6 Comments

If there has ever been a buzz word of the last 10 years, in the parenting world, Mommy Wars would be it! Whether you breast feed, bottle feed, co-sleep or sleep train, becoming a parent in the last decade means gearing up in your armour and entering a pretty epic battle!

Basically the idea is that if anyone does things differently on their parenting journey than you, well, obviously they are wrong….and it’s your job to tell them! Easy! Anyone can do it… and some days, it feels like everyone has.

But today, I want to talk about how I put down my (metaphoric) gun and found peace in the midst of the Mommy Wars!

First off, a little back ground. I have LOVED babies since, well probably, I was a baby myself! I grew up babysitting, and volunteering in the church nursery. I worked as a nanny and then studied Early Childhood Education in college. There was a long time, I was pretty convinced there was nothing I didn’t know about taking care of babies. I WAS THAT PERSON. You know, childless woman, with loads of ideas and advice for someone currently in the trenches of parenthood. Yeah, them! Now listen. I will never discredit that advice. Sometimes the perspective of somebody not currently struggling with the same challenges is refreshing and helpful. Often it is not. I’m so very sorry for those times.

Fast forward to my positive pregnancy test. I was bound and determined that I was going to do everything for MY baby “right”. It started with giving birth “right”, then feeding baby “right” and getting baby to sleep “right”. It went on and on and on. It became an obsession. Without even realizing it, I spiraled into an anxious ball of stress. Angry, tired, obsessed stress!

I was so focused on what everyone around me was doing “wrong”…”Pffft, not cloth diapering your baby…. do you EVEN CARE about your child, or the environment?”. As if by some stretch, love was measured in the soft piece of minky fabric your baby shits in! It seems ridiculous, and honestly, it was agonizing to live this way. I didn’t understand why I felt the need to be so aggressive about what other parents did, it just spilled out of me. I felt personally attacked whenever someone chose a different path, or method! I couldn’t rationalize the idea that none of it had to do with me! Not even a little.

Then, one day it all hit me like a ton of bricks. I felt sad, and lonely. I didn’t have close friendships with other parents and I was exhausted (remember, I had a non-sleeper). Being so critical of other people did NOT make me feel better about myself, it did not improve my self esteem, it was all just a reflection of my own severe insecurity! And the worst revelation for me, it was sucking the precious time and energy I could have been focusing on my family.

I had been terrified about what other people thought of me, as a person and most importantly, as a mom. If I didn’t live up to my own, completely unrealistic standards of what a “good” mom was, others must think I’m a huge failure too! I was caught up in feeling judged by others, whether I was or not, so I fought fire with fire, and everything just burned. Being “right” was more important than finding joy. It didn’t take long before I became desperate to find some joy!

I made the conscious decision to look at myself and my parenting choices differently. No longer allowing the pressure to be perfect and “right” to overwhelm me. I realized what I did for my family did not hurt anyone else. If it worked for us, there was no downside to letting criticism or judgement (real or perceived) just roll off my back. In the exact same way, I realized that it added ZERO benefit to anybody to waste time and energy on offering criticism or judgement to others. It actually kind of made me a huge jerk. I didn’t want to be that person anymore. So I took a page from Elsa’s book and “Let it Go!”

I’m far from perfect, I have had many moments since this realization where I catch myself having judgemental thoughts, or saying unkind things. But the more I focus my attention inward, to my own family and myself, the less time and energy there has been to focus outwards on others. In the past when I would read or hear someone shaming any of the parenting choices that I had made, I took it personally, and it bothered me for a long time. Since making this change, when I hear something negative, I sit on it for a moment, and then decide, is this information, or it’s source, worth any more of my time or attention? 99.9% of the time, the answer is no! Letting it go is a conscious choice, but one that I have learned to make time and time again! Practice makes perfect!

I feel like it is important to note that I DO NOT have it all together. Not even a little bit. At 5 years old my child, drives me absolutely batty on a very regular basis. I’m still very unsure of what I’m doing, but that is normal. Most parents, feel this way! I’m the mum online that tries to keep things real, (a quick look at my Instagram Stories will reveal this truth!) and I hope to be there for anyone who needs a gentle chuckle, and a “I’ve been there too!”, because likely, I have! Parenthood does not require perfection, and the first steps I’ve taken to lifting some of that pressure is to recognize that I’m never going to get it totally “right!” There is right for me, and right for you, but never one kind of “right” that works for everyone! Keep on trudging through the trenches of parenthood, but know you can leave the “Mommy War” at any time! There is a wonderful peace to be found outside the battle!

Love ya,

parenting

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