As with all things on the internet, when it comes to my life, you are only seeing a carefully curated version of what I choose to share on social media and here on my website. I, of course, prioritize being raw and authentic, and what you read here is always the truth, but it is only part of a bigger story. Sharing about getting a divorce is an especially tough one to navigate because while I may be comfortable opening up about the entire experience, I have a responsibility to Taylor, and especially to Arthurbear to protect their privacy in the process. With this in mind, it is important to me that we take a little time out and get on the same page with how things REALLY are.
Fair warning, this isn’t the typical upbeat and inspiring tone you may be used to reading here. I want this to be a light and positive space on the internet, something you read that brings value to your day….. but this likely won’t be that added value.
In recent weeks and months, some of you (yeah, I’m probably talking about YOU!) have labeled me as being “positive” and “strong” amid being more open about my separation. It’s not that these are bad things at all, in fact, I’m really honoured that anyone would think this about me. If anything it is a little overwhelming, I don’t think I’ve done anything special to deserve these labels. It can though, feel a little disingenuous to accept such high praise when I’ve only shared the moments I’ve felt positive and like I’ve got it, at least a little bit, together. Online and in-person I’ve made calculated choices to show only my best, and hide the darkness that comes with struggle. But please don’t ever confuse this for there not being any struggle. Life is hard at the best of times, and the challenges that divorce brings can take that to another level.
Having suffered from anxiety over the years, friends and family know, my go-to coping strategy is crawling into bed and hiding under the covers. (It probably doesn’t help that the medication for anxiety my doctor had prescribed knocks me on my ass for a solid two days) It’s become a bit of a joke, amongst friends that if I’m having a hard day, I can be found in my bed! This has been especially true since my separation. Obviously, as a mum and working a full-time job, I’m not able to spend all day in bed, but sometimes, it’s all I want to do! Getting through the week is a lot harder from bed, didn’t ya know!
Basically I’m writing this post, to show I’m not a walking ray of sunshine going through this divorce. I am battling big feelings of insecurity, after having felt so secure in all areas of my life. I am angry and resentful with just a dash of bitterness mixed in to make things fun. I’ve been hurt. I’m scared and I’m struggling. The struggle is SO real. But this isn’t the image I want you to see. I don’t want to appear weak or too vulnerable, I want everyone to see the brave, unflappable, and totally in control person, I wish to be. Most of all, I hate the idea that I might show anybody the hurt they’ve caused. I wish I could make them believe I care as little about them, as they do about me.
Where I previously had security, I now hesitate to trust anyone. People I’d called friends have figuratively and, actually, quite literally turned their backs on me. (Rude, right?!?) Others have treated me so terribly that I can’t look at them without seeing the irreparable damage they’ve done to our relationship and feeling that anger bubble up inside of me. It’s heartbreaking on a very regular basis. The hardest part of getting a divorce, so far, isn’t even the divorce, it’s the way people have treated me. And for someone who is quite sensitive, it has been a lot to take. Being sensitive also means that it’s been a life long struggle to try and hide my emotions when I almost always wear them on my sleeve. I am so exhausted from trying to pretend it’s all completely fine.
A lot of days, life feels like a never-ending gut punch. It sucks. But through it all, I am able to dig deep and pull out that strength and positivity. I know I’m able to get through it, I’ve made it through much harder circumstances. I am strong. I am brave. I am optimistic. But some days I’m not. It’s ok to not be ok.
My intention is never for this to be a negative or “down” place. I mean, who would keep coming back to that website!? But I felt like sometimes the “It’s cool, I’m fine” attitude is actually doing a disservice to anyone who may be reading this and think “why is she able to cruise through these circumstances when I’m having a hard time” Let me say it loud and clear, I am having a hard time too. It’s awkward, and uncomfortable at best, and devastating and heartbreaking at normal. Just know, not all is as it seems, and I’m having a hard time too. For those of you who aren’t currently experiencing a hard time, remember even when someone is putting on a brave face, they can be struggling on the inside.
I am going to be ok, I’m not looking for pity or sympathy, but I do want to be real with you all and today, this is my reality. I think sharing this might actually be what has taken the most courage for me yet. Thanks for reading, and for all of your support!
I love ya,